To all of you boys and girls, who’ve been hurt and lost their way. To all of those who are in my shoes right now. To all of you, to the bravest, to those who survived and lived.
Truth is, there is no easy way, there is no shortcut, there is no cure to take away this pain. Those have been 4 years of beautiful relationship. We had our missteps and, of course, our wonderful moments. They say that you need to forget – but there is no path that leads to this amazing land of “I don’t remember anything, and I don’t know who you are”. Only the time, slow ticking clock that will count months into years will get me over this, will get me over my beloved one, once so truly beloved.
And then it is a mighty time of trivia game: everything about your relationship that you never wanted to know, or never knew it was there. For example Nikki, she was there the whole time. And I let him to make fool out of me. I was busy creating decors for house when he was running to her and telling about our relationship. Once you find it out – there is no way back. Once I found out that I was played and made to be a Fool all this time – there is no one else to blame, but myself. There is no way to run, there is no one to run to. Because all you ever wanted was him. And now Nikki has him.
And then comes the time of blaming yourself for not being good enough, smart enough, sexy enough, wise enough, mature enough. This list continues till you eat your heart out, until you make yourself believe that you were never good enough for him. But let me tell you, NEVER, and I mean it, never doubt yourself over someone! Never love someone that much, that you are ready to forget yourself! Never!
I wish I would be dead. I got caught today by a car. Nothing major, just the knee and the side of my leg, got a big purple bruise. In fact, it happened before I got to know all of this and I can not stop thinking of what if… I could have been late for split second, and I hate myself for thinking that it would be so good to be dead. You are all wonderful people, each one of you has something amazing, each one of you stands out, each one of you deserves better, deserves to be loved, And so do I.
What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. That is all you need to remember for now. Throw everything else away from your pretty head and concentrate on your life, on yourself.
I wish life would not grant second chances, at least for him. But it is life, and you will never how everything will turn around. All you need to do is to give a call to your mom, ask her to tell that everything will be alright. Ask her to tell you what she loves you for. And then, lots of sleeping pills, hot teas, romantic movie weekends alone and time, that will cure everything.
I wanted my family with him. I wanted kids. I was ready to move to another country for him. We were engaged. He was busy telling me that he was picking venues for the wedding while he was sticking his tongue down Nikki’s throat. I picked and ordered a dress. A beautiful and enchanting ivory wedding dress. I wanted to be the best for him. I was such a fool. But I wont be ever again,
Promise to yourself that you will be happy, that you will live on! Get drunk if you need, god damn it! But don’t ever tell to yourself that you weren’t good enough for him or her. Don’t you dare to let yourself down ever again!
And then raise your head after you cried your heart out, let the morning come, it is just another day. And that day might have been the life breaking day, but it will pass.
What hurts the most is that you really, truthfully, after everything, still love this person. Somehow. But love will fade away, one step at a time, over many years. It will. And heart will be ready to love again.
You are healthy, You are alive. You will be loved. I promise you.